“The government needs to help those in need, but members of Congress shouldn't take advantage of the situation and use a national tragedy as an opportunity to spend taxpayer dollars on their pet projects.”

“It's a little known fact that one in three family pets gets lost during its lifetime, and approximately 9 million pets enter shelters each year. That's why it's a wonderful thing to get your pet microchipped and registered with your contact information because then they can be located and the owners can track where their pets are.”

“No one ever pretended that shopping for anything is a rational experience. If it were, would there be Fluffernutter? Laceless sneakers? Porkpie hats? Would the Chia Pet even exist?”

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.”

“If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.”

“I was a dog in a past life. Really. I'll be walking down the street and dogs will do a sort of double take. Like, Hey, I know him.”

“Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“Pet me, touch me, love me, that's what I get when I perform. That's when I'm really getting what I want.”