“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.”

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“Every time I decide I want a child I get another pet. I have 3 dogs, 13 birds and 3 horses, what does that tell you?”

“We are telling veterans they must sacrifice to pay for the pet projects and contracts to campaign donors of powerful members of Congress.”

“I think there's something great and generic about goldfish. They're everybody's first pet.”

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many different ailments, but I have never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”

“A kitten is chiefly remarkable for rushing about like mad at nothing whatever, and generally stopping before it gets there.”

“I love cats.”

“I heard that Jesus had a pet dinosaur. Evolution must be a myth then.”