“After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.”

“It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'”

“I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.”

“My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.”

“The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.”

“When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.”

“I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.”

“But most good movies have a gun in them.”