“Sometimes the best lighting of all is a power failure.”

“Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.”

“The real killers in the business world aren't the ones who aim for the top, it's the ones who aim for two notches below the top.”

“If God drives a car, He'd drive a 1973 Ford LTD Brougham sedan with a claret-colored vinyl roof, with oxblood leather upholstery and an opera window.”

“Canadians can easily 'pass for American' as long as we don't accidentally use metric measurements or apologize when hit by a car.”

“Workshops and seminars are basically financial speed dating for clueless people.”

“People are pretty forgiving when it comes to other people's families. The only family that ever horrifies you is your own.”

“Everybody has basically the same family, it's just reconfigured slightly differently from one to the next.”

“It's very strange that most people don't care if their knowledge of their family history only goes back three generations.”

“Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.”

“I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?”

“If someone decides to be a musician now, it means because there is no hope of money at the end of it, it means they really want to be a musician. And if someone is writing now, there is no hope for money at the end of it.”

“If cats were double the size they are now, they'd probably be illegal.”