“The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.”

“If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.”

“Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.”

“A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.”

“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.”

“A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!”

“For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.”