“A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.”

“Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.”

“Never have more children than you have car windows.”

“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”

“Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.”

“Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

“Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.”

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”

“There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.”

“When humor goes, there goes civilization.”

“One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.”

“Children make your life important.”

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.”

“I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.”

“If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.”

“Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.”

“Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.”