“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”

“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.”

“I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

“Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.”

“What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.”

“I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”