“Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.”