“I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.”

“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

“Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.”

“Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.”

“In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative fight, flee - or laugh.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.”

“Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.”

“If you can laugh together, you can work together.”