“Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.”

“Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.”

“The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'”

“The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.”

“It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.”

“The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.”

“America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.”

“So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.”

“Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.”

“Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.”

“Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.”

“A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.”

“We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.”

“Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.”

“Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”

“There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.”

“I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”

“Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.”

“The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.”

“Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.”