“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“In New York, you've got Donald Trump, Woody Allen, a crack addict and a regular Joe, and they're all on the same subway car.”

“I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.”

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.”

“Woody Allen is really the ultimate. I love that he believed in himself enough to do what he did. And I have that same feeling - that there's nobody that looks like me in movies, nobody would cast me as a romantic lead, but I want to do it and I feel confident that I can.”

“I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”