“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“Maybe humans are just the pet alligators that God flushed down the toilet.”

“Dogs are my favorite people.”

“I try not to wear anything I have to fidget with - there's nothing worse than wearing something and pulling down the hem and re-adjusting the top. My pet hate is when girls wear those strapless dresses and spend the whole night yanking them up.”

“Pet stores just sell their animals.”

“What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.”

“I have felt cats rubbing their faces against mine and touching my cheek with claws carefully sheathed. These things, to me, are expressions of love.”

“Humans should always exercise and watch what they eat. So with your pet, make sure they get enough exercise, make sure they're getting fed at the same time every day and getting the nutrition they need. And make sure they get a lot of love and attention you both need. That's why you have them!”

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.”

“The government needs to help those in need, but members of Congress shouldn't take advantage of the situation and use a national tragedy as an opportunity to spend taxpayer dollars on their pet projects.”

“It's a little known fact that one in three family pets gets lost during its lifetime, and approximately 9 million pets enter shelters each year. That's why it's a wonderful thing to get your pet microchipped and registered with your contact information because then they can be located and the owners can track where their pets are.”

“No one ever pretended that shopping for anything is a rational experience. If it were, would there be Fluffernutter? Laceless sneakers? Porkpie hats? Would the Chia Pet even exist?”

“Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.”

“If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.”

“I was a dog in a past life. Really. I'll be walking down the street and dogs will do a sort of double take. Like, Hey, I know him.”

“Like all pure creatures, cats are practical.”

“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.”

“Pet me, touch me, love me, that's what I get when I perform. That's when I'm really getting what I want.”

“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.”

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“Every time I decide I want a child I get another pet. I have 3 dogs, 13 birds and 3 horses, what does that tell you?”