“I wasn't very good about juggling family and my career. I was interested in who was coming to the children's birthday party, what my son was writing. I was thinking about Legos.”

“There is still no cure for the common birthday.”

“I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.”

“I was fired by 'America's Next Top Model' on my birthday.”

“For my birthday my husband learned to cook and is cooking one day a week for me. But he only likes to do fancy dishes. So we end up with weird, obscure things in the refrigerator.”

“I just had my 30th birthday and we went turkey shooting. It's what I wanted to do, so we went.”

“I tend to foster drama via bleakness. If I want the reader to feel sympathy for a character, I cleave the character in half, on his birthday. And then it starts raining. And he's made of sugar.”

“The reason I met my husband was because I remembered a friend's birthday. The moral of the story is: Remember people's birthdays.”

“With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.”